The Art of Dodging

Ms. IQ Dropper

2012-02-10T11:24:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been with a chick that misspelled apple? The same fruit that Eve herself

wrecked mankind with? Nah? You’re lucky. I still wake up with night terrors, grasping for air,

searching for the letters A-P-P-L-E in the darkness. I haven’t been able to enjoy the amazingness

of an apple since that day thanks to Ms. IQ dropper. We’ve all met that girl that crosses the line between quirky and batshit stupid on a daily basis. There’s something about this girl that us men can’t get enough of. Whether it’s to validate our own intelligence or we genuinely enjoy seeing this girl struggle with a long division problem at the age of 18. The problem lies in that right after she shows the mental capability of a 5th grader, she hits us with that smile and all of a sudden the circuits in our brain get tangled and we’re left all:

Well, fuck all that. I’m going to give you all some basic tips on how to avoid the derps by evading Ms. IQ dropper:

If you just met a new chick and want a quick gauge on what you’re dealing with, ask her this question: “So, do you read?” Right off the bat if she says “read…as in books?” you need to 2 step your way out of the building and clear the premises.
If you’re talking to some girl and tell her you want to visit Scandinavia one day and she asks you what part of Canada that is, granted you don’t get a mild seizure due to said comment, you need to bail A$AP.
Us men aren’t great at observing, I mean shit just this week, after 20 years, I realized my sister has freckles but I digress. You’re going to need all your observing abilities to make use of this tip. The next time you chill with this chick, observe just how often her comments make you cringe and count the times you give her a pity smile. If these numbers exceed 5 after a 15 minute conversation, granted she can focus for that long, you gotta tell her your dog just had a bout of depression and you need to be there for him then clear it.

Those are just some basic tips so that your potential significant other doesn’t end up being that girl that reads out loud in class and struggles with 3rd grade FCAT words. Anyways, I have to let you all go now. Enjoy your apples and make sure she knows the difference between “you’re” and “your” before you hit it.

Shakespearean Women

2012-02-06T11:11:00.001-08:00

More oftenthan not we come across this type of girl that is engulfed in so much drama.She is talented though, she can manipulate things that pose absolutely nothreats into acts of terrorism. This is the kinda chick to take “I’m hangin outwith my friends,” as “I’m creepin.” But as in most cases the craziest chicksare the ones with great sex. So as men, we’re left to choose. “To beat, or notto beat, that is the question.”

Negatives:This bitch is crazy. Plain and simple. Drama is what she feeds off, there isnothing that can change about that. She has the capability of creating the mostplausible scenario that never actually happened. “So we were having sex in theshower and my mom heard me moan, so he had to scale the wall…but his handslipped, and he landed on the trampoline, by the time my mom saw I was alone hehappened to time the bounce perfectly and jumped right back into the showerwith me” = “we had dry sex on his bed.”

Positives:Aside from feeding off of drama, she also feeds off of sex. This will be someof the best sex you’ll ever have because she’ll be so into it. All of heremotions will go into it. After all, she is going to need something to talk aboutlater. This is the kind of girl everyone needs to try, the one that screamsjust enough that you actually get scared sometimes.

Warning: If you beat you will be subjected to having yourname brought up on many occasions. This could go either way. As in, you havethe greatest stroke game in the world or a 2 inch penis. Enjoy.

Those Who Hate Hoes

2012-02-03T16:39:00.000-08:00

So on mydown time, the reason that other women hate hoes occurred to me. How I didn’tdiscover this formula before is beyond me, but it is actually quite simple.Even more interesting is that it eliminates the ever so repeated statement “Ihate other girls.” This is actually incorrect. What they truly mean is I hategirls who are hoes. Now to break it down a bit more simply I’ll provideexamples as well as statistics. There are three types of “Hoe Haters”: Undesirables,Hoes, and Innocents.

Undesirables: These make up 50%.These are the type of girls that do not get any play. The reason that they hatehoes is simple, they’re jealous. They think “how is it possible that she sleepswith everyone and they still want her,” well my dear, the answer is that theyactually look decent. Most of the girls that are undesired have low self-esteemand this is very clear to guys, we’d rather choose a hoe with high self-esteem.Either grow out of that ugly stage or get work done.

Hoes: Thisgroup makes up for 49%. This is pretty self-explanatory, hoes hate other hoes.It’s scientifically proven. Of course this is going to happen, once there isanother hoe there is competition. Survival of the fit. The hardest part aboutbeing around this is when she is in denial. When a hoe doesn’t admit what shetruly is it’s hard on everyone and creates an awkward environment for conversation.For example, getting out of high school a hoe made a porn…the first person tocriticize came out with a porn weeks after. What can I say? Hoes will be hoes,and may the best win.

Innocents:This group makes up the obvious remaining 1%. Don’t be tricked because everyother group will attempt to give off the impression that they are in thisgroup. This group doesn’t necessarily mean that she is a virgin, let’s hopenot. It simply means that she is truly not a hoe nor undesired. Now the reasonfor this deep hatred stems from the fact that they are always choosing the menthat momentarily do not want this type. This class is also referred to aswifey. To those of you that pertain to this group, please stay pure you’re thelast hope for us men not to get STD’s. To those who don’t, please stop tryingto fool us. We’ll figure it out at some point.

The One Who Never Apologizes

2012-01-30T12:04:00.001-08:00

You everdate a bitch that blames you for shit you don’t even do? That she’ll fuck upand you still end up apologizing? Shit’s the worst yo. As men we’re always outhere fuckin up, so once she fucks up we finally get the chance to say some shitto make her feel bad, “You think I let every bitch pay for me when we go out?You’re the only chick that is that special to me.” I remember this one girlwould just switch the script, she went to go talk to an ex when we were havinan argument. I called her out and she was like well it’s not my fault we werearguing…BITCH?!

This is whenyou realize it’s time to get out. And she’ll try to keep you around thinkin hersex game is on point, nahh, we may still be havin sex but the relationship isover. Women don’t like to be the ones at fault so they try to put it all on us.There are ways to fix this, not for yourself but for the next guy. Here are someideas you could resort to in order to teach her what it’s like to not hear anapology.

Break up with her after watching the notebook
Fuck with her best friend
Tell her you’re moving out of town and bump into her but don’tsay a word
Date the one chick she hates most
Have her cook for you and don’t show up, ever again
Wait till your anniversary, take her to where ya’ll starteddating a break up with her

But before you have to take any of the above options into consideration, try tonever meet a bitch like this, after all…this is the art of dodging.

"The Escape Route"

2012-01-27T10:55:00.000-08:00

If you’veall been reading J_LaSoul’s blog regularly, then you’ve realized that a hugepart of it has to do with how to avoid and spot a crazy/deranged chick.Although I greatly appreciate J_LaSoul’s work, as I’m sure all of you guys haveas well, I think it’s a little unfair. What about us guys that love these crazypsycho loco bitches? Not all guys hate and want to stay away from these typesof women, shit, I fucking love me some crazy bitches. There’s something about47 missed calls and quadruple-texts that turn me on, I don’t know why. What isbetter than the thrill of waking up in the middle of the night and walking upto your window knowing that the girl you’ve been hooking up with might belooking right back at you as soon as you move the blinds….I FUCKING LIVE FORTHAT SHIT. Also, it does help that crazy chicks have the best pussy, but I’llleave that for another day. Anyways, I can tell all of you (From personalexperience unfortunately) that from time to time these crazy hoes just take ittoo far. We’ve all been in the situation where we just finished hooking up withher, have all our clothes on and are just about to get ready to leave or takeher home when you finally realize it…..this psycho puta isn’t gonna leave yourhouse or even worse….wants you to spend the night at her place. God forbid youever be put in this situation, here are some tricks I’ve learned over the yearson how to get the fuck out of there when this does happen.

“The Countdown”

This one is pretty simple and is recommended if you’ve onlyjust started fucking crazy bitches as it’s simple and your lying is probablygoing to need some practice. It’spretty straightforward, I’ll give it to you guys in steps:

1. Invite crazy bitch over

2. Fuck crazy bitch until you feel you’ve gottenyour point across and have let her know what the deal is

3. Lay in bed with crazy bitch (DO NOT get toocomfortable)

4. Casually go over to phone and look at time

5. Yell out “OH SHIT!”

6. Patiently wait for crazy bitch to say “what?!”

7. Now tell her your mother/father/brother/sister/legalguardian/roommate/cleaning lady/health inspector/grandma/etc. is coming home in10 minutes and you completely forgot (must sound convincing and worried)

8. Now sit back and relax as you watch this psychogoddess scramble to get her stuff together and leave (shouldn’t have to waitlonger than 3 minutes)

9. Walk her to the door, give her a goodbye kissand an apology

1. Goback to your sofa, turn on the TV, make a sandwich, and then go subtweet abouthow you’re the man

“The Phone call”

This is theoldest trick in the book. First thing you’re gonna need to do is put your phoneon silent, because if it goes off in the middle of the operation, YOU’REFUCKED. And if you get caught, you’re most likely getting smacked or scratchedin the neck…..not that I would know. Anyways, here’s what you do: Go along withEVERYTHING this bitch says, because she’ll eat it up, even gas her up a littlebit. When she starts getting comfy and asking for shorts and a t-shirt, justgive it to her, even throw in a “damn you look so cute in that” just to boostthat hoe’s ego. Get all comfy and snuggly and all that shit girls’ love, andthen wait about 10 minutes. This is where shit gets real. While you’re lying inbed with her, slowly go to your phones settings, go to ringtones and play yourringtone loud as fuck. Quickly turn it off and act like you just picked up acall. ALWAYS MAKE SURE THAT YOU’RE HOLDING THE PHONE ON THE SIDE OF YOUR HEADSHE CAN’T SEE! This is where you need to get creative and fake a conversation.You’re probably a good liar by this point so it shouldn’t be hard. “hang up”the call and explain to her that you have to go, and give her a fake reason(reasons can range from something as simple as “my little brother went missing”to something as complex as “I completely forgot I have to take my pills and Ileft them at home”). Most girls are going to be sad and angry, but won’t mindyou leaving. Tell her some bullshit to ease her mind like “I’m so pissed! UGH!”or “I’ll try to do this ASAP and come back!” and then get in your car, go toyour boys house and tell everyone how you 69ed her while you were standing up.Your home free my friend, enjoy your victory.

Well theseare just a couple of my escape routes I thought I’d share with you guys. Iwould give you some more, but it’s Friday and my roommate is out of town, soI’m gonna chill for now. If you’re in desperate need of some escape routes,contact me ASAP and I’ll take care of you. By no means am I saying I’m anexpert by the way, but I will say, however, that 75% of the girls I’ve beenwith since 10^th grade are sick in the head, and I fucking love it!Take these tips, mix and match, and create some escape routes of your own. Nowgo out there and find the most fucked up, obsessive, threatening chick you canfind and lie to her, because you can. Good luck.

#HeyBooHandbook

2012-01-23T09:28:00.000-08:00

iight, iighhhttttt. everyone that has a twitter has used the #HeyBoo hashtag before, dont deny it either, we see you filthy animals yo. you not slick tryna slide in a Hey boo while your TL is all slander filled. but anyways, im just here to guide yall along on the do's and dont's of HeyBooing.

1. do NOT #HeyBoo the same girl more than 3 times a day. once you reach that 4th one in less than 24hours you are now considered a creep. you know what type of nigga a creep is? the dirtiest, flithiest, scum out here. she might even send you to BlockedBuster or report you as spam.

2. dont #HeyBoo a chick you have no chance of ever meeting in your life. you live in Wyoming but never go to New York, why would you send her a #HeyBoo if she lives there? whats the point? she sure as hell never gonna visit Wyoming, so your #HeyBoo goes to waste completely. which brings me to the next point......

3. always #HeyBoo with a purpose. yea its fake thirst and all but we all know deep inside what it really means. dont go #HeyBoo'ing a married chick cuz then you look like a creep again. you over here fantasizin bout chicks you cant have, thats awful dawg. if you #HeyBoo her you gotta mean business

those are just 3 quick pointers to get your #HeyBoo game right, you dont wanna be out here bein called Sandusky cuz you over using the hashtag and she blocked you.
just always keep your cool, get at these chicks, buy sneakers, and drink water. i promise youll be good.

The Art of Tattoo Placement

2012-01-18T15:13:00.000-08:00

What people should understand about a woman’s tattoo is not whatshe got, but where she got it. The placement of it can help you distinguishwhat category you can apply her to. It is a logic that has been thoroughlytested in different habitats. Have doubts? Think about it like this. You’re atthe club, you see a girl with a lower back tat and a girl with a shoulder tat.Statistically speaking, which one of the two would give you a higher chance ofgetting laid? I mean, it isn’t called tramp stamp for nothing.

Lower Back & Neck

This is the sign from heaven. Onceyou see either of these it’s fucking game time. It’s the bat symbol shining inthe sky. These are the type of women that will show off this tattoo as well astheir sex lives. Enjoy.

Ribs & Shoulders

Tattoos in areas like these are inplaces where they are covered most of the time. These girls tend to be a bitmore discreet with when it comes to sex. Aka they aren’t giving up the box tooeasy. They’ll make you work for it.

Stomach & Pelvis

Usually the stomach tattoos godown to the pelvis area; this is always a good sign. These are the types ofwomen that guys want to meet. Unless you’re at the beach there usually is noother way of seeing these. If the whereabouts of either of these tattoos evercomes up in conversation you always have the right to ask to see. This type ofchick is wild, the hidden tattoo in this region is only for entertainmentreasons.

Behind the Ear & Lips

This is the most basic bitch in theworld. Easy, and has probably already smashed all of your homies. She is availableregardless if she has a boyfriend. Thetype of girl you hit up when all the other ones are busy.

How To Be Sexy For A Nigga

2012-01-17T12:55:00.001-08:00

Its truly sad how about 86% of women really fail to accomplish this goal of being sexy for a man. I use to think these types of things came natural but through my experiences with women…..you fuckin fail miserably at it. Once you and your main dude at the time are into the fuckin stage of your relationship the same ol routine is not gonna cut it….thats when side bitches come and phones are not allowed to be looked through.

Confidence really is key for you to keep the sexy shit going in your sex life with your man. Tell me this doesn’t happen….He comes over, once he’s there and things get intimate lights get hit off and the horny whore inside of you comes out, right? Yeah that’s cool for like maybe the first 2 or 3 times. Now the next time the nigga comes through make that nigga feel like a goddamn king and you’re his slut for those 30 minutes to an hour. Answer the door in nothing, absolutely nothing…..that confidence you got in yourself that you can open a door naked will make that nigga dive face first into the box. Lets say nigga goes off to the bathroom….when he returns be waiting for that nigga in heels and only heels….guarantee his walk back into the room will become slowed and he’s gotta quickly adapt to how real shit just got. You gotta come up with more ideas I can’t be giving you a playbook out here just a few tips before a nigga leaves you for better sex. All that shit you hear in songs and you see in movies that you think is corny…..do it. Learn to be comfortable in ya own skin and with him. If you can’t just chill with ya titties out for no reason around him then you a hoe.

Sex. Yeah I know that word just woke up your vagina but just chill it’s just a blog. A lot of chicks do the same ol routine like I said before….hit the lights and the hoe in you decides to come out, nothing wrong with it but why does it take the turning off of a light to turn you on? I guess the “gym” aint doing too much justice for you huh? But anyways when the sex comes about…. i need you to pretend that you about to be in a porno…and if you don’t suck dick on the regular to your man don’t be surprised if you get cheated on, I really can’t believe god still makes you kinda women. You gotta give your man head ALL THE TIME not just in the bedroom I mean anywhere that’s reasonable and possible. Lets say you on the way home from somewhere once the convo dies that’s when you reach over and give the man road head he will appreciate it dearly. You gotta think like a hoe when you’re alone with your man….cuz all us niggas wana do is fuck, eat, and talk it up while we build up for another round of sex. And please don’t think you the shit at sex if you don’t look at porno from time to time. You gotta build up some new tactics to please your man cuz your man is lookin at porn all the time and that’s a fact.

You really have to put some effort into your sex life and do things to be “sexy” for ya man. Go cop some lingerie and model that shit for him. Tease that nigga by standing there in it with some heels on put some music on he might laugh but a real nigga will be so turned on by it. That’s the type a shit he’ll brag about to his friends about…and all his homies will look at their main chicks like they aint shit to this niggas girl. Doing things that are out of the ordinary will really bring you and your man closer. STOP with the same ol shit that you have been doing….thats why your single. If you ladies hold it down in the bedroom I guarantee you will be having the best relationship of your life.

The Caring Type

2012-01-15T12:28:00.000-08:00

This is themost relaxed type of crazy, but none the less she is still crazy. This is thetype of girl that listens to Drake and goes the extra step to take notes whilelistening. Here is the scenario, you’re out one night with your friends, while she’sat home re-editing her text to you over and over just to make sure it’sperfect. Here’s the catch though, she knows she shouldn’t send this text. Sheknows that you have repeatedly said and reminded her that you want nothingserious, but she’s still going to send it regardless. The caring type is afunny one. She’s going to go out of her way to pretend she doesn’t care.

She’ll beout at the club downing margaritas, grinding on any vulnerable guy, wishing shewas at home watching the notebook with a tub of ice cream. She’ll tell you thatshe doesn’t mind that you two aren’t together but try to make you jealous witheverything she does. You see her at the party and she’s the one trying to showoff how well she can hold her liquor but her plan failed and she’s actually thefirst one throwing up and crying. It’s incredible the way a crazy chicks mindworks, she sets herself up for failure and blames a man. Her next idea is thatit is quite possible that you are afraid of commitment. No bitch. We are notafraid of commitment; we just don’t want to be committed to you. Who wouldn’tbe afraid to be in a relationship with someone who is forcing them to love themand always making assumptions? But she’ll make it seem like something is wrongwith us.

Boy do we have to clear it. This one isactually quite simple if you stick to the plan and don’t think you can keephooking up with her. She’s going to be sending you messages like “good night”and “sweet dreams” and “I miss you,” we aren’t going to respond. Whenever shetexts you when the sun is out reply but just be short, don’t try to be friendsonly acquaintances. Anything more than that gives her hope. She’ll send you anexcerpt, and you send her an incomplete sentence. But if she texts you when themoon is out, do not reply. This is always dangerous. Her hormones are raging,she wants love, you’re bored and you just want to fuck. It isn’t worth it.After about a week she should be tired of it and found someone way more amazingthan you. But remember you are a gentleman, if you see her out in public wave. Makenot that there are very high chances of her coming back, after all, the crazyones always do.

I Understand

2012-01-12T20:00:00.000-08:00

These two words could possibly be the simplest words tocomprehend. They can end any argument or discussion. Or when trying to explainto someone exactly what you want, these two words are exactly what you want to hearright? WRONG man, every single time I’ve heard these words come from a chickthey’re followed directly by “that’s what I’m looking for too.” At this point,I’m saying to myself “you lying bitch.” Time after time this has led mestraight to the pits of hell. Take note, she never wants the same thing as you,that’s too easy for them. They need to make it more complicated, whether it’sin a day, or a week, it’ll happen man. Trust me. So for this right here, a guyneeds to create an emotionless wall that sticks by this agreement she has justmade.

Don’t ever forget those words she said, this will be what pulls youthrough the escape. Ya’ll have been hookin up for a week or two now, haven’tbeen seen in public, everything is going smooth. Ha, she realizes that thingsare too easy and the bitch snaps. Now she wants a relationship. Time to clearit. She’ll tell you how much she’s feelin you. How perfect you are for her.Asking why you haven’t taken her around your parents. This is it man, this iswhere those two words come into play. Keep telling yourself that she made averbal agreement. Tell her that you’re not trying to do any of that, that youlet her know that from before. But that you two can still be friends cuz she’sa cool chick. Once again, she’ll hit you with those two words, I understand.But you know since she understands and shit, we’re going to hit it one moretime. This is where she becomes crazy, and we knew it would happen but it’salways worth the try.

She may have said she understood but what she reallymeant was maybe I can convince him. At this point you remind yourself onceagain that she understood. And you break off all contact. She thinks you’re anasshole, but just remember you aren’t. She’s just crazy; she knew what she wasgetting herself into. So this is how we can break down the level of craziness: She’llsend you those late night thirst messages that you can’t reply to, this is the“Caring type”. She may talk shit about you to other people, this is the“Insecure type”. She may try to hit you up whenever she can find a reason, i.e.holiday or event or birthday. She may even show up at your door step, thiswould be the “Craziest Bitch type”. Becareful man, that last one. She’s the type that could possibly, but is notlimited to, beat the shit out of you.

Preface

2012-01-12T19:34:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this blog do not reflect the opinion of any organization or anyone outside of this blog, the posts on this site are purely personal opinion.This is just pokingfun at personal experiences and should not by any means be taken to heart.